Reality Check

And then there were 2…..

I was so excited to have 5 extra embryos the other day. That would mean I would not have to do the injections again, I would also not have to pay $6,400 again for the retrieval process. It seemed like I had a security blanket, just in case this round was not successful.

The thought that all 5 embryos would not be good enough for freezing did not really cross my mind. I was blinded by the fact that for a brief few days ...

I WAS FERTILE!

I had lots of eggs and we would freeze some and if this round did not take, we would thaw out some eggs and do it again. Simple, and stress free, just what I need right now.

While I do, and will always tell Cole to dream big, I, as an adult should have been a bit more cautious. I am fragile at this stage; I should have taken better care of my expectations.

This entire process has taught me that NOTHING is for sure. A call to the lab this morning to see how my extra embryos were doing proved to be a disappointment.

None were viable for freezing. Not a single one. Nil.

The embryologist told me on the day of implantation that the remaining embryos were not “great” quality. Supposedly this is common, and the lab will continue to culture the embryos for another 3 days. The goal is to have those embryos become blastocysts. A blastocyst is a highly developed embryo that has divided many times to a point where it is nearly ready to implant on the walls of the uterus. Blastocysts have a very good survival rate after cryopreservation (freezing). Without great quality, there would be no point in freezing any.

So here we are. 100% dependent on the 2 embryos within me. That does mean that I have double the chances here, which provides me with some much needed comfort.

I am trying to focus on what we do have, not what we have lost out on. Trust me, my optimism is forced right now, but I feel as though I have no other choice. Dwelling on what could have been will not help my ever increasing anxiety level. I refuse to underestimate how far we’ve come and how many hurdles we have crossed to get to this stage.

Therefore, while my "ideal situation" did not pan out as planned, I can honestly say..

My reality just ain't so bad....