Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Losing Control

These last few weeks have been tough on me, to say the least. I can only imagine how it has been on this guy

And this little guy

Either I’m tired, sore, nauseous or all three. To boot, I am either at work, at the clinic, or in bed by 9. On my days off Cole is at preschool, storytime at the library, soccer, or playing at his Grandparents. Tim is busy cleaning the house, cooking, grocery shopping and running Cole to all of his activities. Oh yeah, and somehow he fits in some studying for his mid term exams coming up.

Fun wife and mommy have not been around much……and while Tim fully understands, I often wonder how Cole is managing? He knows mommy is trying to have a baby and a “no jumping on mommy” rule has been implemented. He’s also been told that mommy cannot lift him up, but that hugs and kisses are more than acceptable! He seems fine…so why do I not feel fine?

The sense of ease I felt a week ago has passed, lately I have been edgy and preoccupied, likely because I am not in control. The drugs have ripped that away from me. They have immobilized me; emotionally, physically and financially. Being in control is part of who I am. My days are now planned around appointments and trips to the drugstore to pick up just “one more day” of medications. The credit card balance is growing by hundreds of dollars a day, I feel like I don’t even have control over my spending……

Tim is beyond amazing…he is 100% committed to this process and is willing to help wherever and whenever he can. Not a single complaint. Yet I can see him getting tired, worrying about the line of credit growing, wanting to have a few more moments to himself; to have more than an hour of study time in one sitting.

I know these feelings will pass, if the outcome is a pregnancy then all of this will have been worth it. I just hope I can regain my stiff upper lip as I head into the most important week of my life.

My egg retrieval was scheduled for this Friday.

My face may not show it, but my heart is truly smiling. Tomorrow is a new day… and hopefully a renewed sense of fighting on my part. I want this so badly for myself, for Cole, for Tim and for our families.


  1. Oh Cheryl, you are doing so well. It is hard. But it WILL be worth it.

    Cole knows you love him and Tim, well Tim is a superstar and deserves all the praise you give him here.

    But so do you. Your body is working it's butt off right now and you are supposed to be tired and nauseous. It's okay to be doing just that. That is what you need to do.

    Hang in there and you know where I am if you want to pass the time talking about anything!!!

  2. yes, in the end, hopefully, it will be all worth it!!!

  3. A good support group really helps us through anything. Best wishes this week!

  4. Oh Honey, you keep on keeping on, got it??

    Your day will come, and you'll look back, and think "that was nothing"!

    Some how I suspect you of being that strong!!

  5. thank you for sharring, just reading your thoughts, and what you and your boys are going through I wish nothing but the best for you guys.