Thursday, March 19, 2009

Reality Check

And then there were 2…..

I was so excited to have 5 extra embryos the other day. That would mean I would not have to do the injections again, I would also not have to pay $6,400 again for the retrieval process. It seemed like I had a security blanket, just in case this round was not successful.

The thought that all 5 embryos would not be good enough for freezing did not really cross my mind. I was blinded by the fact that for a brief few days ...


I had lots of eggs and we would freeze some and if this round did not take, we would thaw out some eggs and do it again. Simple, and stress free, just what I need right now.

While I do, and will always tell Cole to dream big, I, as an adult should have been a bit more cautious. I am fragile at this stage; I should have taken better care of my expectations.

This entire process has taught me that NOTHING is for sure. A call to the lab this morning to see how my extra embryos were doing proved to be a disappointment.

None were viable for freezing. Not a single one. Nil.

The embryologist told me on the day of implantation that the remaining embryos were not “great” quality. Supposedly this is common, and the lab will continue to culture the embryos for another 3 days. The goal is to have those embryos become blastocysts. A blastocyst is a highly developed embryo that has divided many times to a point where it is nearly ready to implant on the walls of the uterus. Blastocysts have a very good survival rate after cryopreservation (freezing). Without great quality, there would be no point in freezing any.

So here we are. 100% dependent on the 2 embryos within me. That does mean that I have double the chances here, which provides me with some much needed comfort.

I am trying to focus on what we do have, not what we have lost out on. Trust me, my optimism is forced right now, but I feel as though I have no other choice. Dwelling on what could have been will not help my ever increasing anxiety level. I refuse to underestimate how far we’ve come and how many hurdles we have crossed to get to this stage.

Therefore, while my "ideal situation" did not pan out as planned, I can honestly say..

My reality just ain't so bad....


  1. My heart goes out to you, I can only imagine what disappointment that news must have been. I don't think it crossed my mind either that none of them could be frozen.

    But you are right, your reality ain't so bad at all! Hang on to your hope, I know I am for you!

    Big always, wish I could be there in person!

  2. DAMMIT, what is someone suppose to say to this?

    that sucks. shit.


    Here is to the two that ARE with you!

  3. I'm sending positive, happy, healthy thoughts for the two inside. May you suffer the pleasure and exhaustion of newborn baby twins, just weeks before Christmas. Love you Cheryl.

    "Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee." Montaigne

  4. Ditto on the comments above.

    Thinking about you a lot these days....

  5. Oh Cheryl, just catching up here. You've been amazing, you know that, right? So optmistic, so positive... it is such a stressful ride and you've been doing great! Keep up with it!

    For sure that is disappointing news about the remaining embryos. But just focus on the fact that your reality ain't bad at all... you've got TWO!!

    And two was all we needed for our IVF baby.

    (I know how nerve-wracking these days are for you... just keep up the good thoughts, rest up and take care. I'm thinking happy baby thoughts for you...)

  6. optimism, forced or otherwise, is the best way to be focused right now. still praying...